Pick myself up, dust myself off...

Yeah, yeah, I'm the one that threw me on the floor in the first place. I've spent the last couple weeks doing fuck all because I've been in a funk. I needed a break.

Listen, this business is fucking hard, okay? And I have a fragile spirit. I'm a fighter, to be sure. But that doesn't mean I don't let myself get knocked down first. I'm like the kid on the playground who throws herself to the ground at the slightest nudge and spits blood before climbing back up and kicking that ball home (yes, I was the kickball queen). I'm all about the "rally." Nothing gets me fired up like a little hopeless despair...

So, our show was cancelled. Technically not "my" show. My boss' show. The show I worked on and, despite all bias to the contrary, I damn well believed in. Maybe sitcom is dead. Maybe ours was too "traditional" and a throwback to less "edgy" humor. What-the-fuck-ever. It was a GOOD. SHOW. We had Emmy-winning actors pulling their shit out every week. We had a kickass writing team. We had Jimmy Fucking Burrows as our live-in director! A guy that's so seasoned he doesn't even need to WATCH when the show is taping. He just paces and LISTENS and knows what camera moves to make. Then the network fucked with our show from the moment we got back after the strike. Don't give those suits time to sit around and think, please. And still our show was good and heading steadily towards greatness. But apparently "good" isn't good enough in this assbackwards business.

And that is the crisis of conscience I've been having. See, I know I chose this business. I've been around it my whole life and I know how hard it is. It's hard getting in and it's hard ascending the ranks. I've seen talented people try and fail, try and fail, try and fail. And now, I've seen award-winning talent fail.

THERE IS NO FUCKING RHYME OR REASON TO THIS BUSINESS!
(and if there is... it's called MONEY, honey)

It's just incredibly discouraging. You've heard the overnight success stories that are supposed to inspire you. And it does inspire all the Jeds and Mary-Sues who come to LA bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to be "famous!" But for every amazing success, there are 10 tales of shattered knee-caps. People falling off the wall. Giving up and waggling back to Minnesota, tail between their legs. It's not like going to med school or law school and being on an assured path to a secure career as a doctor or lawyer. Sure, nothing in life is certain. But in Hollywood it's all a fucking crapshoot.

SO... it went down like this: I turned in the 1st draft of my script. Two days later, our show was officially slaughtered. I write drama, the show is comedy. So it's not like I lost out on a big break, writing for what could have potentially been the next Frasier. Then I hear from my manager that my script still needs A LOT of work. And I'm just sitting there thinking...

FUCK. Who do I think I am, trying to be a "writer"? It took me months to write something (fine, essentially 3 weeks when I got down to it) that apparently was way off the mark and now I'll have to spend another month reworking it all. Meanwhile my boss, who is an established, successful "writer," just got royally screwed on something he put so much effort into. Like, really, am I kidding myself? What if I try and fail and never get anywhere? What if, for all my hard work, I'm just never good enough? In a business where even proven talent sometimes isn't good enough to win the game...

WHAT'S THE POINT?!

Well... the point is... (yes, I do have one) What would be worse? Trying and failing until the spaghetti sticks? Or not trying at all and never knowing what I could have achieved? I think that idea SUCKS. This is the business I chose. And I'm not hiding behind a Gucci suit and getting my rocks off by dashing the dreams of MY people. No, I'm on the creative side. I'm choosing to be one of the brave ones. I'm choosing to be among those that bare their heart and soul on the page. I will try, try, try again. Ratings and box office numbers be damned! It wouldn't be worth it otherwise.

"It's our wits that make us men."

See? Hopeless despair = Braveheart rally. Give it a go some time. It really works. Why? Because...

They may cancel our shows, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!

(okay, yeah, I'm done now...)