Shakin' off the stank...

Of another person is truly something I struggle with on a daily basis. Stank, in this context, is defined as:

stank /stAY-nk/ Noun - A negative, foul or offensive aura, vibe, mood or disposition that hangs about a person and infects everyone within a 10 foot radius

I am particularly sensitive to people's stank. For whatever reason, all my life, I have always been highly perceptive of a person's mood or attitude, however subtle. (This talent also thus encompasses my ability to communicate with cats, but I won't go there now...) There is just something in me that is in tune to people's emotional constitution. So much so that I find myself feeling what another person is feeling. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

It can be as simple as being in the same space as another person, without interaction. Like, you walk into a room and you don't know why but suddenly you feel different. You can't figure it out and certainly don't know where it's coming from. That's when you're picking up another person's stank. Most of the time when this happens, I find myself plummeting into melancholy, uncomfortable awkwardness (okay, sometimes that's just me) or biting pessimism without any discernible reason. Sometimes it turns me inward, but usually it causes me to act out. Usually against the person whom I'm feeding off of. Imagine how bad a situation like that can go...

The greatest and most prevailing example of this is my relationship with my mother. We finally figured out at a certain point that our moods infect each other and we end up getting stuck in these escalating bitchfests until we're screaming at the top of our lungs, crying and then apologizing. Being aware of it now really makes no difference, emotion being as gripping as it is. Except maybe we're able to stop the ride sooner. Like before we vomit all over each other.

And sometimes, I pick up a person's stank through direct interaction. Whether in person, over the phone or even over email. Whether they're being bold about their negativity or are unaware of it. I pick it up... and it fucks me up. It can fuck me up for the rest of the day, depending on who the person is, my relationship to them and the color of my own emotional outfit du jour.

In either scenario... it is difficult to shake off the stank. The greatest thing I've come to learn is that 95% of the time, it has NOTHING to do with me. For a long, long time I'd translate any projected negativity as a form of rejection. Then I read somewhere that all people act out as a response to their own subjective view of the world. (Most general example I can think of is when a person cheats on their spouse and then is constantly accusing the spouse of cheating... projecting the guilt) Whatever it is that they're feeling, whatever emotions or subconscious insecurities they've got going on... it's all them. Not me. When I can remember that - and in some cases, it takes me a little while - then I'm cool.

So... Today I had a short email exchange with a person who triggers some strong emotions in me. Part of the problem is that I know too much about this particular person and probably assume too much, also. Lots of unacknowledged bodies at the bottom of this lake and whatnot. On a scale of 1-10 I'd give this email exchange a -1 for enjoyable and a 10 for fucking tiresome. See, at first, I was offended. And upset. And hurt. And feeling dismissed, which is actually a lot worse than feeling outright rejected. Then I accused this person of being "bitter." Then I realized that I was responding from my OWN bitterness in relation to this person. Then I realized that this person probably IS bitter (for entirely different reasons) but would never admit it. And THEN I realized that whatever this person's problem is...

IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

And just like that, I shook off the stank.