What I Had to Have...

Harking back to my original mission, I'm going to take a stab at another O Magazine memoir assignment. I'm jumping out of order on this because, let's face it, I'd rather choose a topic on which I feel I have an inkling of something to say right now rather than try to force thoughts on something else. Why make this any harder than it seems to be for me? So. Okay...

What I Had to Have...

Huh. Y'know, this is a funny one to me because, well, there are so many things in my life that I HAD to have.

Let's go with the obvious first...

CLOTHES
I'll admit that up until just a few years ago pretty much every article of clothing, shiny new shoe or bag that I fancied in the moment became something I had to have. I've been this way my entire life. Even in my single digit youth, I remember perusing the Sears catalog and marking all the pages of clothes I wanted. Always with a certain image or persona in my head that I desperately wanted to achieve. This habit has grown with me over the years. Now it's the entirety of the J Crew catalog that I pine for. I must've been born a clotheshorse. Honestly, I think it's a trait that is more inherent than it is learned. We all know there are those girls out there who hate to shop or just don't really think about it as often or as passionately as the rest of us. My best friend Amy is one of them. She's never been the type to plan her monthly budget around a pair of shoes. Sometimes I wish I could be like her. It'd make life so much more simple. Instead, buying new things is like a lifelong addiction and I'm a recovering addict just barely in check. Turning 18 was a joyous day for me. Why? It wasn't because I was of voting age (I registered) or because I could get a tattoo without parental consent (and I did) or because I was finally a legal "adult." No, the most exciting thing about turning 18 was being able to apply for credit cards. To me, at the time, it was like "Woohoo! Free money!" The very day of my eighteenth birthday I was in Express signing myself up for a future of debt management. Everything I had to have came to a grand total of nearly $15K by the time I was 23. This whole "adult" thing is a two way street and I've since been suffering the consequences of my uneducated, wanton credit card adventures. Now I'm much better at reigning myself in. EBay was a great help with that, surprisingly. On EBay I can ooh and ah and put everything I think I have to have on my Watch List. Then I get a certain number of days to decide if I really want that thing I had to have in the moment. I've found that most of the time I'll let an auction pass without bidding... and without remorse. By the same token, the things that really capture my attention then merit the effort of bidding to win them. Of course, when my competitive streak is ignited over a pair of J Crew boots, watch out!

The other category of my life in which this want it, need it, have to have it mentality has proven perilous for me is -- c'mon, take a wild guess...

BOYS
Or men. For some reason, even though I'm at an age where I should be calling them men, I still think of the opposite sex collectively as "boys." Well, most men are still boys anyway. Either way. As I mentioned previously, there is a part of me that likes the chase. Being able to prove to myself that I can win a guy, in some cases, has overruled having any real feelings for that person. But it's the targets that prove increasingly challenging that are the real bread and butter for my have to have it soul. The less they have to have me, the more I have to have them. Like a desperate, self-destructive, dysfunctional junkie I've fallen hard for the ones that were the worst for me and brought out the worst in me. And those situations have landed me in far deeper debt. Now, at 28 years old, I'm having to relearn the power of the poon because my own hunt and gather nature allowed me to fall prey to the deceptive power of the peen.

In general, I think I approach my entire life with this have to have it strategy. It's a double edged sword. Thinking you deserve to have anything your heart desires versus the lengths you'll put yourself through to get it. You think you're in control because you're the one doing the chasing, but really it's the pursuit that's controlling you. At what point does an object of desire trump your own self-worth? The answer should be:

NEVER.

But that's not always true, is it? Not in this greedy, image obsessed, consumerist world we live in (that we created) where we gauge our self-worth based on the shoes we wear, the bag we carry, the car we drive or the relationship status on our Facebook page. And I am most certainly a product of my environment (hello, expensive SUV gas guzzler that I naively thought I could afford!)...

However, with age I'm developing more awareness. I'm realizing that time flies fast. People come and go. Things change from minute to minute, day to day, year to year. Including my moods and desires. Fulfilling a compulsive want in the moment provides only a short term fix before I'm on to the next. What I had to have last year is irrelevant now. What I had to have last week is replaced with a wish bubble of what I have to have this week. Etc, etc, etc...

I've realized that coveting is more like a fun, motivational game not to be taken too seriously. If I can't get what I want right when I want it, that's probably because something better is in the pipeline... If I can't catch and conquer, it's probably not meant to be...

Yeah, I know. It's all easier said in theory. It is a lifelong addiction -- this pursuit that we call happiness. A moment is a gripping thing and instant gratification sure is tempting. But these days I TRY to remind myself that the relief will be fleeting. Because what I want is always changing...

Which is why I have a wardrobe full of treasures I wanted, needed and bought in the moment, but don't wear 75% of most of the time. And, why I've had those few moments of regret, wondering why oh why did I think I had to have him?